Out on my walk today in the park near our house I was looking up. If you read my blog about some of my favorite quotes, you know, “Look Up” is a goodie.
Anyway, I was looking up, and I saw two kites stuck in two different trees. One kite looked like it had just gotten stuck not too long ago. It was still intact, no holes or rips that I could see. It was full of vibrant colors and had a pretty tail, but it was all tangled in the branches and stuck.
The other kite must have been there for a while. It was all ripped up, colors all washed out, the tail was kind of intermixed with the rest of it, and it was just sad looking.
It hit me that these kites looked a lot like me while I was drinking alcohol. The colorful one was the me I was showing to the world. The dull, monotonous kite was the real me, how I was feeling on the inside.
On the inside, I felt helpless, hopeless, full of holes, tangled up, stuck, struggling to get free, blowing in the wind, exposed to whatever circumstances came my way. Remember the line in Titanic where Rose tells Jack, “I feel like I’m in the middle of a room screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even looks up”? That’s how I felt. I wonder, if that poor old kite could talk, would it say that too?
But everything on the outside looked good.
I don’t think anyone knew how much I was struggling with the voices in my head:
I shouldn’t drink tonight, but I had a hard day, so I deserve a drink.
I'll just have one.
Who am I kidding? There’s no off switch.
The next morning, Uggh, I feel like shit. I can’t keep doing this.
Do it anyway.
Repeat. Day after day.
I know I need help to get untangled, but I don't know what to do.
But everything on the outside looked good.
I felt ripped to shreds, ashamed of the way I acted the night before – AGAIN. Totally and completely tangled up and stuck because I didn’t want to be labeled an alcoholic. I was scared. I didn’t want to go to AA meetings. I didn’t know there was anything else to do. I was sad and colorless, monotonous, dull, and unable to help myself. I was hiding my drinking. I was sleepwalking through my life with no real meaning and no true purpose. I felt raw and ashamed. Ashamed I couldn’t control this one thing in my life.
But everything on the outside looked good.
The colorful kite reminded me of how I used to pretend that everything was great in my life. I got up every morning, dressed, worked, worked out, ate healthy, made dinner for me and my husband, walked the dogs. I did all the stuff expected of me even when I was hungover. I made a vow to myself never to miss work due to a hangover. Yikes, that made for some miserable workdays.
That colorful kite was so pretty, but very soon it would look a lot like the other kite. The weather, wind, and time would take its toll. Just as alcohol was beginning to take a toll on me physically.
There’s hope for that colorful kite, but it's going to need a lot of help. It won’t be able to untangle itself. Maybe the owner will come back with a ladder, or the parks maintenance will free it and give it to a child. I wonder if that kite longs to be free of the tree like I longed to be free from alcohol’s hold on me?
Little by little as I learned more and more about the affects of alcohol on my mind, body and soul, I untangled myself from those branches, but I had a lot of help from ladies who are on the same sober path. It took me about seven to eight months of going through different programs like Sheri talks about in her blog, It Ain’t Easy, reading, listening to podcasts, doing the work on myself for myself, really diving deep into who I am and what makes me tick, for everything to sink in and free the last little piece of me that I had tangled up.
After finally breaking free from alcohol’s hold, I found the freedom to soar through the air like a kite – unbound and weightless! Every fiber of my being now resembles that vibrant and colorful kite. I'm living my life authentically free. No longer trapped in a mundane and dreary existence, my life has transformed into a vivid and dynamic journey.
If you find yourself feeling stuck, remember that you're not alone in this struggle. There are lots of programs available to choose from, including our personal favorite, of course, Drytality. Take the time to explore different options, find a program that resonates with your soul, and take the leap. Embrace it wholeheartedly! Untangle yourself from within and give yourself the gift of freedom. You deserve it. And I promise you'll never regret it.
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